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"TV Dads Talk Sex & Fatherhood"
July 17th, 2009
Several weeks after returning from Los Angeles, I am still feeling the
distant effects of jetlag, but my cross country trek was worth the trouble. I
had been asked by the Academy of Television Arts & Sciences (the folks who
present the EMMY awards) to produce and moderate another special program
at their theatre in North Hollywood. Last year I helmed “A Salute to TV
Moms”, so this time around it was “A Salute to TV Dads”.
My panel of iconic TV Dads included:
- Dick Van Dyke (The Dick Van Dyke Show and Diagnosis Murder)
- Bryan Cranston (Breaking Bad and Malcolm in the Middle)
- Dick Van Patten (Eight is Enough)
- Patrick Duffy (Dallas and Step by Step)
- Bill Paxton (Big Love)
- Jon Cryer (Two and a Half Men)
- Reginald VelJohnson (Family Matters)
- Michael Gross (Family Ties)
- Stephen Collins (7th Heaven)
Tom Bosley (Happy Days), Ralph Waite (The Waltons), and Terry Crews
(Everybody Hates Chris) were scheduled to appear, but were called out of town at
the last minute.
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TV Dads, June 18 2009
Back row, left to right: Jim Longworth, Bill Paxton, Jon Cryer, Patrick Duffy, Stephen Collins, Reginald VelJohnson, Academy Chairman John Shaffner.
Front row, left to right: Dick Van Patten, Dick Van Dyke, Michael Gross.
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The nine TV Dads and I were seated in an assortment of chairs, each
appropriate to the television program for which they were most famous. I even
arranged for Dick Van Dyke to have an ottoman, which he pretended to almost
trip over upon his entrance to the stage. My first question went to Van
Dyke. “Rob and Laura Petrie slept in separate beds. Did they ever fool around?
” “Of course”, replied Dick. “We had a kid, didn’t we?”
I then asked each TV Dad to reveal how he learned about the birds and
the bees when growing up. Bill Paxton recalled that as a youth he
confessed to his Dad that he had a problem with premature ejaculation.
Paxton’s Dad’s response? “Don’t worry about it son. I used to go off on the
nest all the time”.
That colorful anecdote pretty much set the stage for a rousing and
sometimes risqué evening. When it came time for Emmy winner Bryan Cranston to
respond, he said, “It’s appropriate that I should answer this question
considering that I’m sitting between a couple of Dicks (Van Dyke and Van Patten).
The capacity crowd howled with laughter, something that kept occurring
throughout the program.
Later on, I asked the TV Dads to own up to some little known tales about
themselves. For example, Van Dyke now age 83, admitted that during the
first day of filming The Dick Van Dyke Show, he was so nervous that he
perspired through six dress shirts. He also had five fever blisters on his mouth,
but Mary Tyler Moore kissed him anyway.
Dick Van Patten, also now in his mid eighties, confessed that at age
sixteen, he had dated a stripper who made him get a tattoo. “She made me get it.
It was stupid. I was trying to impress her. Afterward I thought we’d
make out or something, but nothing”.
I also asked the Dads to tell us something about their own real-life
fathers.
Stephen Collins recalled that his Dad was a principled man who was never
afraid to speak his mind. Paxton said his Dad was a natural interviewer and
always liked to talk to people, even strangers. And Patrick Duffy said as
he got older, his father advised, “never wear your best shoes if you go out
drinking”.
The interview portion of the evening lasted about ninety minutes, and
wrapped up when I asked each panelist to name the TV Dad they most admired.
For Collins it was Robert Young of Father Knows Best. Michael Gross
idolized Hugh Beaumont of Leave it to Beaver. VelJohnson liked Chuck
Connors in The Rifleman. Bill Paxton said his favorite TV Dad was John
Astin in The Addams Family. Patrick Duffy liked Fess Parker the best, but
only because his character, Daniel Boone, was married to Patricia Blair,
whom Duffy thought was hot. Dick Van Patten liked Carroll O’Connor as Archie
Bunker. Jon Cryer and Bryan Cranston both said that the TV Dad they most
adored was Dick Van Dyke.
And Van Dyke himself said that Bill Cosby was the greatest TV Dad of all
time.
At the conclusion of the interview session, I announced that the Academy
had some Father’s Day gifts for our Dads. But as a special treat, I had
arranged for a host of celebrities to bring those gifts up on stage. Meredith
Baxter appeared for Michael Gross. Suzanne Somers and Christine Lakin came
to honor their Step by Step co-star Duffy. Even Josh Harris joined in
the salute. He played Patrick’s son Christopher on Dallas. Darius
McCrary came for VelJohnson, and MacKenzie Rosman represented the 7th Heaven
clan for Collins. Dick Van Dyke’s son Barry (Diagnosis Murder) was joined
on stage by Larry (Mazzeo) Matthews who played little Ritchie on the Dick
Van Dyke Show. Mary Kay Place and Douglas Smith were there from Big Love
to honor Paxton. Jane Kaczmarek and Frankie Muniz came to be with their
Malcolm in the Middle buddy Cranston. Two of Dick Van Patten’s sons, Nels
and Vincent, were joined by Eight is Enough actors Dianne Kay and Adam
Rich. And Charlie Sheen made a cameo appearance for his TV brother Cryer.
Cryer’s real son Charlie, having just come from a scout meeting, showed up in
his cub scout uniform. ‘We don’t dress him like this every day”, quipped
Cryer.
As an added treat for the audience, I invited some special guests up
onstage to honor Bosley, Waite, and Crews. Tyler James Williams came to salute
his TV Dad Tery Crews, while Marion Ross and Erin Moran made the trip to
show their support for Bosley. I also snagged four of the Walton kids to
honor Ralph Waite. Mary McDonough (Erin), Jon Walmsley (Jason), Kami
Cotler (Elizabeth), and Eric Scott (Ben) hadn’t aged a bit, and the crowd was glad
to see them. I also paid tribute to TV Dads who were no longer with us,
including the aforementioned Robert Young, whose grandson Bill Proffitt, and
TV son Billy Gray came to represent the late, great star of Father Knows
Best and Marcus Welby, MD.
One by one, the guest stars (thirty-six in all) each had an opportunity to
say a few words about the TV Dads on stage. Then, we wrapped up with a
musical number by an a capella quartet, known as Dick Van Dyke and the
Vantastix. Van Dyke had no idea I was going to bring out his three co-horts,
but he leapt up from his seat to join the guys in a rendition of the theme
song from The Dick Van Dyke Show.
It was a perfect ending to a perfect evening, and one I’ll never forget.
It’s also no wonder that I’m still feeling a bit jetlagged, because after
hanging out with so many cultural icons, I’m still flying high.
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